Love is one of the most beautiful and authentic feelings one could ever feel. We first feel it from our family and loved ones. The way our parents would love us is essential and also the way they love each other have a great impact on us as we grow older. The love of dear friends is another important variable and one should feel blessed to have loving friends. 
Later on, we begin to watch movies and we observe another form of love, maybe too dreamy for our reality. If we were lucky, we would observe the love between two human beings and we begin to observe that special bond. With all of the details and affection; we daydream about the day we get to feel it too. All the details of a caring, loving, and supportive partner. These are things many would want to have at some point in their lives. In fact, with all the package that comes with it!

New Love Story

For me, my love story was so different from the one we see in movies. I wished it was but unfortunately, it wasn’t! People didn’t lie when they say ‘’love will catch you off guard’’. If you know me well enough, you will know that I am a very rational person. Emotions don’t usually guide me. You would think that I am heartless at times as I don’t count emotions in the equation of interaction.  

Maybe it was my way to protect myself and live life with less drama. Also, to remain focused for as long as I could. Even my therapist told me at some point that I was protecting myself way too much that I wasn’t ready when I was attacked. This was the case my whole life until something happened and changed everything. In this life, I pretty much a planner and I thought I would have the ability to plan when and how I will fall in love. When love hit me before I had any chance to wrap my head around it.  

The Typical Beginning

We were just like any other two who started to get to know each other and our friendship was strong. We talked about everything and anything. It was so easy to talk to him, easier than it would usually be. I didn’t think twice when we talked or the kind of terms I would use with him. It was natural and we felt easy. Day after day, our bond got stronger than ever and I felt something different. However, I couldn’t define it in the beginning, yes, I liked him but there was something different for sure. 
For the most part, I would like a guy but it never reaches the love euphoria stage. Maybe that’s why I never fell in love before. The flow of events progressed and things with him got complicated. However, for some reason, I couldn’t stay away from him. He would tell me everything and we would feel as if we were together but we never were. He never wanted to define the relationship and that was selfish. I think I didn’t realize it when it was way too late. 

Slowly Drowning

I accepted that it had no title as long as we were together. We didn’t compromise but I was so in love. To a point that I didn’t want to give up yet and hoped that maybe things would change. I wanted to be there for him more than he did for me. Again, I didn’t care as long as we remained connected. Love makes us so blind sometimes and I was fully blind during that experience. 
As time progressed, my emotions got stronger and I was falling more in love with him. But I think after thinking back, I was actually drowning in love instead of falling in it. Drowning is different than falling. It represents the process of slow suffocation. Eventually, it leads to brain damage due to lack of oxygen. You either enter a state of coma or you will just die. 

I felt

during that time that I was drowning. But I wondered why I didn’t feel what love should make us feel. It felt scary rather than safe. I felt threatened by the fact that he would leave at any point and I wasn’t ready for that. He suddenly left due to an unexpected turn of events and I was not ready whatsoever.

Side-Effects of Abandonment

I was left with a great sense of disappointment and sorrow. I blamed myself for so long that I started to have problems. ”Love” made me struggle greatly on an emotional level in ways I never thought I ever would. I felt ashamed because I thought I was strong enough but I was too weak and I didn’t like it. I had to get help and I did because I couldn’t solve it on my own.  
Nevertheless, when my heart was first broken, I felt it physically hurt. It was the first time for me to experience this feeling. I would describe it as getting a wound but I couldn’t touch it, see it, nor fix it and it hurt like hell. At some point, I remember that I cried because it hurt so much and I didn’t know how to stop the pain.

I knew

I had to cry because I didn’t express any sort of emotions when he left. For Feelings were piling up inside instead. As a result, I had to confront those feelings and my heart hurt like never before. I now understand those heartbroken souls because a heart can hurt and it is real.  

Be Clear

What I want to say is to never let yourself be with someone who is not honest enough to define the relationship. Open relationships are serious struggle and it is not worth the pain. Remember that you are worth it. Your emotions are worth investing in by someone who would see and accept you the way you are. Never let anyone use your feelings against you or belittle you in any way. It is okay to be weak sometimes and to be strong. Someone one day will appreciate everything about you. 

Through this,

I shared with you an old experience but I am glad after this long. I went through it to discover that I was supposed to love myself first and foremost. Only then, others will love and respect me. Because of that experience, I learned to appreciate myself, my feelings, and my whole being. I became emotionally aware of everything around me and that experience made me discover myself in the deepest ways. I thought I knew myself but I truly didn’t. I had to get to know ”me” from a different aspect. Always remember that you deserve better.