The other day, I was watching a video in Arabic on YouTube and the guy who was shooting the video was asking random people of different ages in the street many questions and one of the questions that caught my attention was ”What do you fear?”. Among the many questions he asked, this particular one got stuck in my head and I asked myself ”what do I fear?”.
When it comes to fear, many thoughts rush to our minds. We may think of objects or feelings or even people. Some people in the video mentioned the fear of loss, failure, heartbreak, and others mentioned the fear of god. We have many fears that we may not show to others.
Some people have the ability to show their fears through art but many fail to show it. I asked myself what do I fear? And many answers popped up! However, I realized that I have one single big fear and it is the fear of eventually being alone.
I have always treasured loneliness and I consider myself doing great on my own and wished when I was young to be alone in the future and maybe my wish is coming true. Years later, I never thought I would regret that wish. It hit me recently that loneliness is cruel and ugly.
After living alone for two years without having close people around. Coming home by the end of every day to an empty place hurts. Yes, it hurts! Every time I lock the door on myself and take off the weight of the day; it hits me hard that I am actually alone. I miss having a genuine human interaction from time to time but maybe I no longer want the short term interaction.
Loneliness is my biggest fear. I am afraid that I will stay alone until the day I die. The times I got sick here are considered more than the times I got sick all together when I was with my family. I, by nature, don’t get sick a lot. But, when I got sick here and I had to take myself to the hospital, it made me realize how lonely I was alone even when I was surrounded by people.
I cried while I was on the metro to get to the doctor, my tears were streaming down my face because I was alone and I was too tired to take care of myself but I had to do it. I remember the times I woke myself up to take my late night medicines or when I had to check my temperature because my mom is not here to do it for me.
I felt alone when I had to make myself a warm soup because usually my mom would make it for me whenever I get sick. In all these hard times, I realized that maybe I want to have a long lasting human interaction with a human being who will care enough about me without even asking. To know that there is someone to come home to by the end of the day and not an empty home.