I realized that I have been living here for two years and a half. I felt heavy when I woke up this morning. My heart felt heavy and I have been feeling down for quite some time now. It was freezing and colder than the winters I had here. I went alone as I usually do. I got some doughnuts and started walking without a specified destination.
Staring at buildings around me as if it is the first time I see them. Although I have seen them many times; I am familiar with streets and directions better. Going out was for a purpose. I always have something to do if I am out. 2020 changed me to this task oriented person. I miss my old self.
Suffocation was all I felt but I couldn’t cry or maybe I didn’t want to cry. I noticed Rue Saint Honoré and I knew that the metro station was close. The sunlight was my guide. I had so many questions on my mind. ”Is it all worth it? Does it make sense? Am I doing the right thing? Etc.” I also laughed sarcastically when I realized that I left home to become miserable in France.
I became emotionally sensitive and I am drained more than any other time in my life. Anyway, I brushed off the thoughts and continued my aimless walk. I followed the sunlight but it was extremely cold. My hands went numb because I didn’t have my gloves.
I wanted to stay longer outside before heading home. I reached Pont Nauf and I sat on one of the benches and the view was breath-taking. The clouds were so calming and beautiful. A storm was around the corner but the sun was stronger to spread its light.
I saw the Eiffel tower standing tall and clearer than usual. Staring at it for as long as I could. I wasn’t bothered by the fact that I was alone. I thought of my upcoming steps and what might happen. Soon after, I remembered what my therapist told me, he said and I quote ”Make this time a personal learning experience, away from the tasks you do” and I headed to the station to go home.