We often hear the expression ”a wave of sadness has hit someone” but what about a sudden and sharp ”wave of tears”? For a few weeks now, I have been overcome by a sudden wave of tears. Specifically, whenever a specific event or memory triggers them, it is not just mere sadness. To me, this is new because I have experienced sadness, but usually in waves, in portions, as if it prepares me for what I am to endure. However, only recently have I started to experience a new wave that hits you like lightning, without notice.

I have been trying to process this wave whenever it hits me at random times. The other day, a wave of tears washed over me while I was working peacefully. Or while washing the dishes, and another time while driving. This wave does not come in peace, but it comes to disturb you from inside. To shake something within you that has been left in tranquility or perhaps ignored. In a way, my body remembers the things that my mind locked away or kept locked, waiting for its release. This lived experience is a reminder that grief does not necessarily have to be expressed intellectually, but rather, through a sudden release of an embodied memory.

The Fear of Feeling Too Much

It is maybe reminding me of what I am feeling, and that it is valid to feel and process them. I know that for years, it took me a while to sit with my emotions. With no fear or built-in walls. I spent these past days trying my best to make sense of this wave. Yet, it finds its way through me with total abruptness. I do not necessarily feel ashamed of my feelings or even crying. However, I believe I have learned to conceal them in a way that no one can grasp inside me. The genuine fear lies in what I am destined to discover if I continue to cry.

Nonetheless, I have come to observe this wave as part of a continuous healing process. It is for me to remember that grief is never linear. It comes in circles, where I revisit specific memories and confront them with tears that have been delayed. Perhaps it’s my body’s way of telling me that this wave is helping me heal and release what is yet confined. To still confront what I have not yet.

I wonder, what else have I kept inside, waiting for another wave to set it free?